New Alchemist Threadworks website coming soon!

22 03 2010

Another night shift, another Alchemist blog.

Kind of a mixed bag tonight.  On one hand, it was disappointing in that I had a guy come in with a big ole infected cyst on his forehead.  That wasn’t the disappointing part.  I was bummed that I couldn’t make that juicy volcano erupt.  He had already gone for it at home with a thumbtack (His girlfriend reprimanded him for the act, and gave him plenty of shit for it.  So I, naturally, defended him, explaining that if there is a big, fluid filled sac of something on my face, I’d also be tempted to try my hand at popping it).  So I took a big-ass needle and went at it myself, which in truth, was not much different than him using a thumbtack at home, except that the needle and my technique were marginally cleaner.   I poked and squeezed, poked and squeezed, and all I got was a little creaminess.  But I could just feel that thing wanting to pop.  I worked it until it was big and angry and well, bloody.  I felt like I was a teenager again, lamenting another ill-fated attempt at instant gratification, only to be standing in front of the mirror with a big, hot, red, seething mother-of-a-pimple.  At least it wasn’t my face this time.
The good part of the night is that it wasn’t as busy as I’ve become accustomed to.  In fact, the staff actually thanked and congratulated me on my relatively bearable evening.

I’m working on a new website complete with flash and all kinds of fanciness.  Once I have my shirts in hand, I hope to get some pro pics and have some eye-candy shots on the site.  I met with a talented photographer today.  You can check out his website at  His site is in the links section on the side of the home page too.
My current website has been been getting quite a few visits.  I don’t have that many friends, so I’m not sure where they are coming from. But it’s pretty cool.

Looks like Rudy Project is out as a sponsor for Team Alchemist.  They weren’t impressed by my 2008 men’s sport 30-35 short track state championship.  I had to beat a guy with one leg and an asthmatic to win that one.  If only the Rudy folks knew what i had to overcome.  But really, they should have been impressed by Ken’s Clydesdale 12 hour enduro WORLD championship. He’s the champion OF THE WORLD.  In any case, since it’s my team, and I can do what i want, I decided to add “Kreidl Ophthalmology Racing” as a sponsor since Ken hooked me up with glasses and sunglasses.  Sounds fast, doesn’t it? I made a logo just for him too.  I’ll post it next time, since words don’t do it justice.  But it looks like a big flaming eyeball.  I imagine that should drum up a ton of business for him.

until next time.


night shift

15 03 2010

Alchemist is up late again blogging about more Alchemist Threadworks misadventures.

4:00am. Another night shift, and another hammering.  The staff around here groan when they see me show up because they know it’s going to be a rough shift.  I’ve come to accept it.  It’s my lot in life.
While i really should be dictating so I can get it over with, I find the exercise so disdainful, that I find just about any reason not to do it (such as blogging).  At least I did have one satisfied customer this evening.  A fella with a bad case of stool impaction.  The nurse couldn’t fix him.  The enema did nothing, and the guy was in serious pain.  So it was up to me. Armed with a gown, gloves, and a face mask, I did what any valiant soldier would do.  I fell on that grenade. 
“Okay, sir, just relax.”
“You relax.”
“I need to you to be relaxed or this will hurt a lot more”
“It’s gonna hurt me a lot more than it’s gonna hurt you.”

Well, I couldn’t argue that.

“Okay, remember to breathe.  Okay, now push.  Keep pushing.  Keeeeeep pushing. Okay, good job.  We’ve got some good stuff out so far.  you’re doing great.”
“It hurts like hell.”
“I know it does.  but you’re doing great.  remember to breathe.”

Delivering a giant turd is not unlike delivering a baby.  It hurts a lot, it takes a lot of encouragement, and any modicum of modesty is thrown out the window.  I can’t think of an encounter that is more intimate than me, elbow deep in another man’s poo hole, telling him how wonderful he’s doing.  It’s a bond that we will share to the end of days.
After a lot of pushing on his part, and pulling on my part, the dam finally broke.  Willy was free. 
“I feel a thousand times better. Thank you so much.”
“Yes sir, it’s my job.” 

Aah, yes.  Another satisfied customer.  Like unplugging ear wax, the catharsis of relieving a good stool impaction is worth the effort (and smell).  It’s at least better than telling a patient I have no clue what’s wrong with them, and there is no test known to mankind that will help me find out.  I had that conversation almost a dozen times tonight. 

I’m getting some resistance to the houndstooth crotch on the Team kit.  Come on, guys.  If you don’t want people looking at your crotch, don’t look so damn good!

Time to dictate.

Alchemist Team kit

12 03 2010

Finally hammered out the shorts for the Alchemist Team kit. 
As before, it’s not for sale, but I might post it on the website just for grins.  Until then, it can only be found on the blog.  Personally, I like it.  But knowing me, I might change my mind and mix it all up again.  I’ve learned that I need to sleep on a design and let it stew for a while before I’m happy with it.  If I have this nagging feeling that something just ain’t right, I usually end up changing the design until that feeling goes away.  Right now though, I’m pretty happy with it.
Off the subject, Jake takes great joy in peeing in the outdoors.  Takes after his father.  Just between you and me, sometimes I go around the side of the house to pee on the apple tree instead of going in the toilet.  Jake likes to go right off the front porch.
I got a lot of response and feedback to the spam I sent out yesterday.  Interestingly, one person pointed out that “ladies” is a less than flattering term.  I didn’t know.  So anyway, now the women’s line is “chicas”.  Other things I considered were Bettys, Bitches, and Ho’s.  I may just call it “women” to avoid any controversy or confusion. 
aah. still waiting for the shirt to come in.

No Sedation, No Pain

10 03 2010

Alchemist is up late blogging in the name of Alchemist threadworks when he should be sleeping, but that was a heinously busy ER shift, and I need to decompress.

Had a guy come in from deep in the Canyon with a bad ankle.  He looked like an uglier, dirtier version of Jon Bon Jovi.  He had apparently kicked the wall out of anger, and the wall won.  My first thought was that he was a drunk a**hole with a potty mouth and a bad attitude.  He blew a .07, which qualified him to legally drive a motorized vehicle.  Okay, so he was a reasonably sober a**hole with a potty mouth and a bad attitude.  After I had to yell at him to stay in bed a few times, we got security to keep a closer watch on him.  He still insisted on trying to get up and walk.  The x-ray showed that he had a bad fracture/dislocation of his ankle, and it gave me no small pleasure tell him it was time to turn off his lights and yank that baby back into place.   He declined an IV.  In fact, he declined any medications.

“Just tug on it.”
“Yeah, just do it.”
“No way. You have no idea how bad this is gonna hurt.”
“I ain’t afraid.  Just put it back.”
“You don’t want me to give you anything?”
“Nope, get on with it.”
“Well . . . okay, but don’t kick me.”
“I’m okay, I got my teeth in.”
So I tugged.  And he adjusted his dentures and bit on his shirt.  I tugged some more.  I got my foot up on the stretcher and pulled til my veins popped in my head. It still wouldn’t go in.
“I don’t think it’s going back in.”
“You aren’t pulling hard enough.”
“I’m pulling as hard as I can.
“Don’t be a p*ssy.”
“Dude, I’m not being a p*ssy.”
“Then pull on it.”
“Okay, but you are tensing up.  You need to relax.”
So he took the shirt out of his mouth and gave me a big grin.  I pulled.  He grinned.  I pulled harder.  He grinned wider.  Finally, I felt a little movement and then, CLUNK.  It was in.
“Atta boy.”
I told him he was one tough hombre.  And he was.
In the end, I couldn’t help but like the guy a bit.  I liked him more than many of my other patients.  He told me he had to go to his construction job on Thursday.  I told him no way.  I know he won’t listen, but I imagine he’ll figure it out after this ankle crumbles under him.  Kudos to him for actually having a job.  Maybe he was a more upstanding citizen than I gave him credit for.  But I still was kinda stingy on the narcs.  I had a suspicion he would either use them for recreation or sell them.  Yet, he was alright by me.  Saved a hell of a lot of sedation paperwork too.
Moral of the story:  Never judge a hillbilly by his pseudo-drunkenness.
Still waiting for product to come in.  If it’s not too much trouble, become a follower of this blog, and tell all your friends too.  As always, you can check out the Alchemist Threadworks website at

add Alchemist threadworks blog to your links

8 03 2010

Alchemist Threadworks team (you are considered part of the “team” now),
If you guys are willing and able, you can add and this blog to your blog links or website (if you have one).  Or you can just choose to follow it.  Drew, thanks for the idea and adding us to the Justin’s/Titus team blog (  Shameless self-promotion, I know.  But I have to take advantage of what few friends I have. 

Big props to Sue and Ross for cranking out another beautiful baby girl.  Strong work, Sue. 

Interestingly, “No One Cares That You Tele” bumper stickers and T-shirts from the old Spare Tire Cycling store is still selling.  It seems to have gone kinda viral.  I just mailed out an order to a guy in Washington for three stickers. We started with 100, we’re down to about 10.  I’ll have to reorder soon.  Dan and I own the trademark for “No One Cares”.  We keep seeing other folks doing it, so now we are actually in a position to start enforcing the mark.  Del, you think you would be able to draft us a generic letter to all the No One Cares wannabes?  It’s good to know an honest mechanic, and it’s good to be cousins with a good lawyer. 

Thanks, all.


Alchemist Cycling Jersey

4 03 2010

Been working on an Alchemist team kit.  Here’s the jersey.  It’s not for public consumption so you won’t find it at  It’s for team members only.  Whatever that means.  But I hear JHK is considering riding for Team Alchemist.  I’m hoping to unleash the kit this summer, but I might need to actually sell a couple shirts to justify the expense.  It would be cool to have them for the Breck Epic. 

Hope all are well.  Don’t forget to check out Alchemist at if you are really bored at work, or need to pretend like you aren’t.

Favicon fun

4 03 2010

Next time you visit, check out the little icon next to the site name on the browser tab.  Do you see a little crimson monkey?  No?  You sure?
It took me the better part of the evening yesterday to figure out how to get that little monkey to show up.  It’s called a favicon for those who don’t know.  Until I looked it up yesterday, I didn’t know either.

Got a new design in the works.  Geared more for rock climbers. I initially wanted to put the wings higher, but now I think maybe they should be a little lower. Would like to get some feedback.  Bigger? Smaller?  Stupid idea to begin with?  I think it would go over well in the climbing community.
If you haven’t checked it out yet, you can see the website at  Would like some feedback on that too.  If you feel so inclined, you can also be a follower of the blog.  Thanks!


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