Limited edition Dan Maes “Bike Share” available for pre-order

14 08 2010

Alchemist would once again like to thank Dan Maes for inspiring the two year old in all of us.  It’s something we’ve all been brainwashed to accept.  Sharing.  But no longer, right Danno?  We cyclists are all behind you on this one (laughing).  Sharing SUCKS!

“Bike Share” is now available for pre-order on the Alchemist site.   100% organic, ring-spun cotton.  Itch-Free, tagless label.  Phthalate-Free ink.   Plantable, seeded hang-tag.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Available in men’s and women’s.   Expected arrival date of Sept 21, 2010. For the folks who can’t squint hard enough to read the type, it goes like this: Bike Share is the Gateway to Sinister World Domination. “This is bigger than it looks on the surface . . .” -Dan “McCarthy” Maes.

This is a limited edition design.  When they’re gone, they’re gone.





Thank You Card and Dan Maes Wins Primary!

11 08 2010

One more follow-up from the previous post “Cheating Death“.  I received a very nice card from his wife today.  On the front is a picture of him in a lake with his dog.  His wife tells me that he is nearly 100% back to normal, and he is back to enjoying regular life again.  Incredible.  When I first met him, he was ghost white, his pupils were fixed, and he didn’t have a pulse.  He was dead.  That is one tough hombre.  His wife is pretty darned tough too.

Check out the Alchemist Review in Boulder.me.  Written by Jennifer Roberts, who has a pretty sweet blog herself, www.rideboulderco.com.  It’s filled with effervescent prose about biking in Boulder.  She has nice style.

So I’m sure you all stayed up late last night, holding your breath, waiting for the outcome of the republican gubernatorial primary election results.  I’m please to announce that our good friend and bike advocate, Dan “McCarthy” Maes, won!  We’ll be rolling out the commemorative “Bike Share” T in a few weeks.  It will be a limited edition run, so tell all your friends to hop on the bandwagon cus it’s about to be all hitched up and gone.  Here is the final edit.





The Circus is Coming to Town!

21 06 2010

A gigantic, curious spectacle with clowns, freaks, and flaming hoops to jump through.  The clowns and the freaks, I think we already know about.  It’s the damn hoops that make me want to pull my hair out. What hoops you ask?  The gasoline soaked circles of hell and damnation that we call “Trailblazer”.  WTF?  Yeah, WTF.  Trailblazer is some idiotic administrator’s idea of  documentation standards for emergency doctors.  We have to jump through these impossibly stupid hoops  if we ever want to see a dime from Medicare, even if it means riding a ridiculously tiny bicycle through that ring of fire.  Here’s just a couple examples:

1. “Review of Systems”.  Clearly the brainchild of some non-practicing internist who in their former life only had the ability to evaluate one patient every few hours, and whose H&P (history and physical) resembled the unedited version of War and Peace.  Why do I need to ask about burning with urination when someone has an open leg fracture? Because the bastards tell me I have to in order to get paid for my services.  The “Complete” Review of System has degenerated  into the same incomprehensible mumbling of garbage that we all go through before we get to the meat of the dictation.

2. Differential Diagnosis. Another ill-conceived exercise in mental masturbation.  Medicare requires that we document at least four different things that the stated problem could be.  I’m not saying that thinking about some of the other possibilities is a bad idea.  But to mandate that we do this on every and all patients, regardless of the complaint is ludicrous.   Had a fella that couldn’t get a piece of steak to go all the way down his esophagus.  Diagnosis: impacted esophageal foreign body.  Differential Diagnosis: Rib eye, New York Strip, Filet, Chicken.  Had a fella that jammed a vibrator in his poo-hole and couldn’t get it out.  Diagnosis: rectal foreign body.  Differential diagnosis: Ribbed, Scented, Flavored, Magnum.

Barnum and Bailey may be dead, but the circus is alive and well.  If you join, you’ll have to share a bunk with the horse riding monkey.

Vivienne reprimanded me for not actually writing about priapism in the last post.  Yes, I left it in the title.  No, I didn’t have the energy to write about it last night.  Alas, this wasn’t actually my patient, but one of the other doc’s.  Fella came in with an erection that just wouldn’t quit.   Most guys reading this might be saying,”Where can I can I get some of that?”.  But there is good wood, and then there is not so good wood.  It can be painful if you leave the light on for too long. His Jimmy had been standing tall for hours, and he was in a world of hurt.  The doc injected phenylephrine into the side of his donger, and he wilted like a cut flower.  Probably the first time the guy was so relieved he couldn’t keep it up for a woman, and the first time the woman was so proud she could turn off a guy so effectively.

Claire is going to be working a table for Bike to Work day on June 24th.  She’ll be at Community Cycles off the Goose Creek path.   Look for the Alchemist banner,  grab a bagel, and talk real loud about how cool our shirts are.





I got me a bike-mower. Jealous?

11 06 2010

Sh*t yeah!  The bike-mower is aliiiiive!  It’s so cool, and so freaky, the rest of the bike and mower world will be drooling over it.   From spandex clad roadies to John Deere, trucker-cap wearing yardmen,  the admiration really doesn’t end.  Walt (Waltworks) Wehner built this baby up in an hour. The man has skeels.  His neighbor saw it as we were testing it out, and she couldn’t keep her eyes off of it.   We finally had to pry her off of it like a pre-teen girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  I mean, it is gorgeous.  With a bigger track cog, a star nut, and some Waltworks decals, it will be even more crunk and voluptuous.  The ingredients:

1. Orange fixie track bike that’s nearly gotten me killed a dozen times cus it ain’t got no brakes.

2. Scott push mower that’s lasted a remarkable 6 years since we moved to Boulder. I used to curse at it, now I love on it.

3. Waltgenuity

More photos a video to come.








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