Fruita Fat Tire Festival

30 04 2012

Claire, Nicole, and Patton went down to the Fruita Fat Tire Festival this past weekend.   They demoed some Salsa 29ers and set up shop in downtown Fruita. Here are some pics from the weekend.

Toothless Walt Works Jersey

Mr. Fish found the perfect jersey

Borat loves Alchemist!

Borat loves Alchemist! This fan hung an Alchemist cowbell around his neck and strutted his stuff all over downtown Fruita. We couldn't be more proud.

Ryan with the newest hot-off-the-press Alchemist recycled T-shirt

Claire and Nicole with the Green Guru boys demoing Salsa Bikes

Claire and Nicole with the Green Guru boys demoing Salsa Bikes

Alchemist Wool making the rounds

Alchemist Wool making the rounds

Alchemist After Dark

The Alchemist Ladies cut loose in downtown Fruita.

Burning Nostrils and The Cape Epic

30 03 2011

Neti Pot

Saw a young lady who gagged on her medication which had gotten stuck in her throat.  As she gagged,  partially dissolved pill particles filled her nostrils.  The medication she’s on is apparently quite acidic, and it caused her a great deal of distress, physical and emotional.  Her watering eyes grew puffier and puffier as she belted out profanity-laced screams for help.  The solution, of course, was simple.  I sprung into action and called for a massive dose of pharmaceutical-grade Neti Pot.  Neti-Pot, baby.  Okay,  so we don’t actually have a Neti Pot in the ER.  But a 60cc syringe and a Sodium Bicrabonate solution is the next best thing.   It worked, sort of.  She felt better while neti-potting, but was back to burning when she finished.  So I did what any good doctor would do.  I ignored the root cause of her problem and tried to mask it with nebulized Lidocaine.  It worked, sort of .  Her tongue was completely numb anyway.  But it was all still better than seeing another young lady with abdominal pain without a cause.

Thomas and Mike with the Justin’s Nutbutter Team have been battling heat, exhaustion, and other competitors down in South Africa in the Cape Epic.  95 degree temps and more dust than West Texas.  Sounds fun.  These guys are silly strong.  It’s March, and they are in peak condition.  It’s early enough in the season that I still think that a hour on the trainer is a big effort.  Check out the video.

Taint Love

26 03 2011

In the spirit of proliferating more semi-inappropriate propaganda about the netheregions, here is the Alchemist sticker as promised.  Available for purchase?  Maybe.

Alchemist Tainted Love Sticker

Brings a whole new meaning to Soft Cell

Limited edition Dan Maes “Bike Share” available for pre-order

14 08 2010

Alchemist would once again like to thank Dan Maes for inspiring the two year old in all of us.  It’s something we’ve all been brainwashed to accept.  Sharing.  But no longer, right Danno?  We cyclists are all behind you on this one (laughing).  Sharing SUCKS!

“Bike Share” is now available for pre-order on the Alchemist site.   100% organic, ring-spun cotton.  Itch-Free, tagless label.  Phthalate-Free ink.   Plantable, seeded hang-tag.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Available in men’s and women’s.   Expected arrival date of Sept 21, 2010. For the folks who can’t squint hard enough to read the type, it goes like this: Bike Share is the Gateway to Sinister World Domination. “This is bigger than it looks on the surface . . .” -Dan “McCarthy” Maes.

This is a limited edition design.  When they’re gone, they’re gone.

Open Fractures and Swank New Stickers

1 07 2010

WARNING:  If you are a vegan, have heart problems, or just a weak constitution, turn away now.  Do NOT read this post.  If you like to eat your steak rare, watch “When Animals Attack”, or generally enjoy noxious stimuli, then well, read on.

A while back, I saw a fella who was brought in by the medics after a base-jumping accident.  He was billed as a trauma alert by the paramedics even though his only complaint was that his ankle was injured.  Seemed like a pretty innocuous injury, but sometimes you just gotta see it to understand.  The medics rolled in with the guy sitting up on the stretcher with his ankle wrapped up in a wad of blankets and splints. He was the calmest person in the room.

“Hey there, I’m Jeff. I’m the doc here. What’s goin’ on?”

“I hurt my ankle.”

“That’s what I hear. What happened?”

“I was base jumping in Eldo (El Dorado Canyon) when a gust of wind caught my chute and slammed me into the rock face.”

“Bummer.  Can I look at your ankle?”

I unwrapped the layers of blankets and air splints surrounding his foot.

“Um, that looks like it hurts.”

“It’s not too bad.”

“Seriously, that looks like it hurts. Can I give you something for pain?”


“Dude, have you seen your ankle?  It’s not right.”

“I know. I’m okay. But they cut my pants.”

“Your . . .uh . . .hmm . . .are you serious?   You have a piece of your leg sticking out the back of your boot. Don’t sweat the pants.  Can I please give you some pain medicine?”

This went on for a while.  Me, begging him to accept some pain meds. Him, just chillin’ out like he was watching Sunday afternoon football.  He couldn’t have cared less that he had broken his ankle so forcefully that it punctured right through the back of his hiking boot. WTF are guys like this made of?  I’d be screaming and bawling and creating unadulterated hysteria.

While we waited for the orthopod to get there, the general surgeon and I pow-wowed about how to remove the boot to check his pulse and neuro status.  Situations like this remind me of that Saturday Night Live skit “Bad Idea Jeans“.  Urban Dictionary defines it as a “Metaphorical article of clothing, the invocation of which indicates the “wearer” is exhibiting spectacularly bad judgement.”  It didn’t help that the x-ray techs were taunting us with threats to our manhood.

“Oh come on.  Just pull it off!  What’s the worst that could happen?

Fortunately, sanity prevailed, and we came to the realization that trying to pull the boot off in the ER would be cosmically stupid.  So instead, we cut the boot down enough to feel his pulse.  Or at least enough to make it believable that we could feel his pulse, for the sake of documentation.  The guy eventually went to the Operating Room to have the boot removed and have his shattered leg fixed.  Another happy ending and another life saved (read, disaster averted).

Check out the Alchemist stickers I made.  I ordered 1000 of each, so yeah, if anyone wants one, I might have enough to go around.

We should hopefully get these in time for Breck Bike Week.  Claire will be setting up shop at the event.  Dates are July 5-11.  Check us out if you are up there.

BTW, Claire will be doing some posting on the blog in the future as well.  She is a professional writer for Elephant Journal, so you will be treated to some of her stellar writing.  Should be a nice break from my slack-ass prose.

Elephant Journal Review

25 06 2010

Check out the Alchemist product review in Elephant Journal

Read it, “Like it”, comment on it (but please be nice).

Big props to Jussi, who purchased a “T.V Sucks, Ride your Bike” t-shirt.  I had to adjust the shipping settings in the checkout because Jussi resides in FINLAND! He heard about us through the Waltworks blog. Thanks, Jussi, for bearing with us as we figured out how to set-up shipping.  Jussi also inquired about More Cowbell.  That is slated to come out in late summer, in time for CX season.  Thanks also to Walt for the “referral”.

Speaking of Walt . . . He stripped a 32 tooth cog from an old steel cassette and welded it to a 16 tooth cog for the bike-mower to make it easier to turn the cranks.  The 32 tooth cog was kinda flimsy without the cassette, so he welded a 28 tooth cog to it to give it extra support.  That Walt.  Heesa-kinda-crazy.  I’ll get a pic of it in a future post.  He’s going to give the fork a little extra rake too.  Walt also installed a starnut, and he let me steal a couple old 29er tires out of his trash.  I swear.   I may not be allowed in his shop anymore because I seem to always leave with my pockets full of his stuff.  The bike-mower should be fully operational soon.  Pics of that to come too.

Tomorrow is another night shift, so if the patients give me a break, you can expect another post.  Hopefully, something interesting will come in.

The Circus is Coming to Town!

21 06 2010

A gigantic, curious spectacle with clowns, freaks, and flaming hoops to jump through.  The clowns and the freaks, I think we already know about.  It’s the damn hoops that make me want to pull my hair out. What hoops you ask?  The gasoline soaked circles of hell and damnation that we call “Trailblazer”.  WTF?  Yeah, WTF.  Trailblazer is some idiotic administrator’s idea of  documentation standards for emergency doctors.  We have to jump through these impossibly stupid hoops  if we ever want to see a dime from Medicare, even if it means riding a ridiculously tiny bicycle through that ring of fire.  Here’s just a couple examples:

1. “Review of Systems”.  Clearly the brainchild of some non-practicing internist who in their former life only had the ability to evaluate one patient every few hours, and whose H&P (history and physical) resembled the unedited version of War and Peace.  Why do I need to ask about burning with urination when someone has an open leg fracture? Because the bastards tell me I have to in order to get paid for my services.  The “Complete” Review of System has degenerated  into the same incomprehensible mumbling of garbage that we all go through before we get to the meat of the dictation.

2. Differential Diagnosis. Another ill-conceived exercise in mental masturbation.  Medicare requires that we document at least four different things that the stated problem could be.  I’m not saying that thinking about some of the other possibilities is a bad idea.  But to mandate that we do this on every and all patients, regardless of the complaint is ludicrous.   Had a fella that couldn’t get a piece of steak to go all the way down his esophagus.  Diagnosis: impacted esophageal foreign body.  Differential Diagnosis: Rib eye, New York Strip, Filet, Chicken.  Had a fella that jammed a vibrator in his poo-hole and couldn’t get it out.  Diagnosis: rectal foreign body.  Differential diagnosis: Ribbed, Scented, Flavored, Magnum.

Barnum and Bailey may be dead, but the circus is alive and well.  If you join, you’ll have to share a bunk with the horse riding monkey.

Vivienne reprimanded me for not actually writing about priapism in the last post.  Yes, I left it in the title.  No, I didn’t have the energy to write about it last night.  Alas, this wasn’t actually my patient, but one of the other doc’s.  Fella came in with an erection that just wouldn’t quit.   Most guys reading this might be saying,”Where can I can I get some of that?”.  But there is good wood, and then there is not so good wood.  It can be painful if you leave the light on for too long. His Jimmy had been standing tall for hours, and he was in a world of hurt.  The doc injected phenylephrine into the side of his donger, and he wilted like a cut flower.  Probably the first time the guy was so relieved he couldn’t keep it up for a woman, and the first time the woman was so proud she could turn off a guy so effectively.

Claire is going to be working a table for Bike to Work day on June 24th.  She’ll be at Community Cycles off the Goose Creek path.   Look for the Alchemist banner,  grab a bagel, and talk real loud about how cool our shirts are.

Helium and Heart Attacks

7 06 2010

On the first shift of five in a row.  Can you imagine having to work five days in a row?  Like OMG! No one works that many days in a row! Yeah, I know, stop the belly-aching, some people work every day of their lives.

Had an interesting case this morning.  Fella brought in for altered mental status.  He was found unconscious in a parking lot.  Paramedics gave him a little narcan to wake him up, and he started complaining of chest pain.  He ended up having a big time MI (heart attack). Turns out that the guy had a full tank of helium in the back of his car, and he had been huffing it.  I remember whippets, but I don’t remember huffing helium except to make my voice sound like Mickey Mouse.  But this guy was serious about it.  I suppose he was so intent on getting high from helium that he asphyxiated from it (because it displaces oxygen), and that induced his heart attack.  He should probably stick to more legitimate ways of getting high.  As manifested by the above pic, helium doesn’t lead to anything good.

Looking forward to the Mountain Flyer ad coming out later this month.  Look out for it.  Claire will be pounding the pavement soon to market the Alchemist Threads.  The plantable, seeded tags are looking good.  They will be adorning the shirts in the future.  We’ll be doing some trade with Bloomin’. Shirts for tags.  The design is in the works.  Will post later.

As promised here is the mock-up of the much anticipated Walt Works t-shirt.  Will try to get as close to team colors as possible.   Will be available 0n this summer.

Got a little hitch in the plans for the rest of the other planned designs for the summer.  It looks like the printer platens to do the full frontal designs are too expensive for our printer to purchase at this time.  They don’t forsee enough usage to justify the expense, so some of the designs like Alchemist Wings  and Boss Hogg are on the back-burner or will need some modifications .  When Alchemist goes supersonic, and we are printing many thousands of shirts, then perhaps, they can drop down and buy the necessary platens.  but until then, we’re back to more traditional printing placements.

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